The Generous Host has come to life using the three stones in my ring. You’ll quickly find aqua, pinky reds, and shades of gold in my blog as well as the products I sell. For the past two years this ring has reminded me that waiting for God changes things. Most importantly waiting changes me.
Eight years ago Ian and I began trying to conceive a child. I remember feeling a bit hesitant about the idea. I knew how much a baby would impact our lives. I wondered if I was capable of that kind of love. I knew about the seeds of fear, control, and selfishness that had taken root in my heart over time.
I remember saying, “God whatever you desire for us, I will accept. Whether the time is now or later. I want what you want.”
But after a few months, I began to wonder. “What’s going on here? What’s taking so long?”
As time went by we ended up at a Fertility Specialist. The medication I was given made me angry all the time. I didn’t know who I had become. It was terrible.
I had surgery to try to determine what was going on. When I woke up, the doctor said, “Good news, there is absolutely nothing wrong.”
“Yes it is good news. But then where is my baby? Why is my womb still empty?”
Countless tears were shed over those 4 years. I couldn’t take it anymore: books about “Unsung Lullabies”, conceiving when you can’t conceive, foods that make you fertile, and well-meaning advice and stories of so-and-so who got pregnant after 10 years. Friend after friend getting pregnant and me desperately wanting to share in their joy. But being unable to bring myself to attend another baby shower.
I recorded numerous prayers in my journal about not wanting to wait anymore. It’s not even that I didn’t want to wait. I wanted to know if I was waiting for nothing.
But I felt God say these words to my heart, “Your time will come.”
It was the first time I felt reassured that I would one day be a mother. A few months later, we adopted Quin.
We didn’t know how things would turn out. We had absolutely no control over the outcome. We had to let go, trust God, and wait. When I looked back after all the waiting. I saw that I was different. I had changed. I felt differently about children and parenthood. I felt free to love.
I’m thankful for the time of waiting—even though it was one of the most difficult times of my life. In some ways it was like I was a seed in the soil waiting to sprout. Or like a caterpillar in a cocoon waiting to emerge. A lot of the time seemed pointless. But it wasn’t. My waiting became a time of tremendous growth. And in the end I received something more wonderful than I could have imagined.